The Walls I Built kept people out, but they also locked me in.
So I started this blog. When I initially started it, I was fearful of posting anything personal, least someone discover it was me writing, oh the horror! Honestly, I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, heavy, light or random. I needed a place to dump them. I am not an openly emotional person, I tend to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself sans a select few. I viewed this blog as a way to express myself anonymously to anyone who wanted to hear me.
The more I typed, the more ideas I came up with (most of them yet to be posted). The more I realized, rather felt a deep need to put my whole self into this. I need my soul to pour out through my words no matter who is listening. The only way I will feel relief from my thoughts is if I give them life. After spending so many years in my own personal silence feeling as though no one would listen, I have decided it is high time I find my voice.
This is a huge personal hurdle for me to jump over. Everyone struggles with something, perhaps this is my thing. It’s not easy for me to pour myself out, and be left to stand alone in the line of others judgments, to feel naked and vulnerable with your feelings and inner person outside its shell. But theses are the things that make us human, these are the things I fall in love with in other people. At some point I have decided to let my fears control my expressions.
The longer I live and the more I think about it, it may seem easy to build walls at first, but eventually, your walls just become a prison for yourself. Its lonely in here. I think about all the people I have successfully shut out of my life, because I was too afraid to open up. How many opportunities to have a real connection with someone have I missed? How much of myself have I held back, and held in. Always believing you are born alone and you die alone, thus you end up living alone. It is more harmful to keep those walls up then it is to <gasp> be vulnerable.
I have yet to inform my family or friends of my blog adventure. In fact I was hesitant to tell the Bust Buy guy who sold me my lap top what my intended use was. I am still nervous to expose myself, quite possibly a side of me no one knew existed. I am terrified of their reactions, terrified of the things they will think but not say. I am even more afraid of staying in this dark prison, I am afraid that I will let my own insecurities keep me from my aspirations.
I need to strip down my outer walls, and expose myself to the public, not the me I carefully plan to show. I have already spent too much time being someone else for everyone else, Now I need to be myself for myself, judgements be damned! I need to knock my walls down and let the stones fall where they may. Climb out of the rubble and live.