Tangled Knots

The knots in my life are of my own choosing

 Floating, or rather tripping through life we inevitably create seemingly impossible knots. Life can be like those children’s activity books, where you need to find the end of a particular string through a mess of other strings.  It is a daunting and often a overwhelming task, but in order to move forward we must deal with the tangles of our past. 

With time and distance it becomes easier to see the turns you took to become so tangled.  Like the very cliche’ line ” Hind sight is 20/20″ time and distance give us a broader view.  Things that were clouded by a narrow focus become crystal clear, when we back up enough to see the “big picture”.  In the middle of the knot, it is impossible to see  which string to pull that will get you out and ,often times we pull the wrong one. 

The knots in my life are of my own choosing. That statement, gave me the power and ability to untangle myself. Turns out I am responsible for even the things that just “happen” to me. I can not have babies, can turn me into a bitter blame God for everything, and curse the world type of person, or I can use my nurturing nature to help those in need, thus fulfilling the void. The realization that the consequence of the things that “happen” to me is in my control is truly a sober one, it grants me the power to choose how to re-act in the best possible way. 

I forgive myself for not knowing better, for not taking the right action which is clear now. I have made plenty of decisions, I have come to regret. I have done somethings in my narrowed vision that I take responsibility for. I have no-one to blame but myself.  It is hard.  My mind wants to constantly re-mind me of every time I tripped, it wants to berate me for choices made out of comfort,  that were not in my best long term interest. I have to fight my own voice daily. When it tells me I am not good enough, or that I cant  accomplish this or that. I have to tell my self to shut-up, when I want to default to who I was. Make no mistake, it is a battle to fight the person you were to become the person you want to be. 

It was only when I accepted my role, and responsibility for my life that I had the power to control it. Life Is not what happens to you, It is how you react and what you do with it  that makes our messes or gets us out of them. Only when we become accountable for our choices, we can make better ones.  If I continue to believe that all the terrible things that happen to me are out of my control than I  forfeit my ability to change them. Instead of saying he/she did this/that,  instead of keeping that toxic  person in my life  I can chose to let them go.  Instead of saying because of this I cant do that, and wallowing in self pity at how cruel and unfair the world is, I can change the way I look at it or chose a better path. I have the choice, because I am responsible for my life and its outcomes. 

I am still working out the knots I created, I don’t think that task will ever end.  My approach is different. Instead if blaming (Insert whatever you want here) I look at my actions, what did I do to contribute, what would have been a better choice? How can I avoid this in the future? Beating myself up over past mistakes only allows the mistake to drag behind me. Facing the mistake admitting fault, and taking corrective action, releases me from the weight allows me to move forward and prevents me from repeating the mistake. Bottom line, forgive yourself.

Facing your flaws and being honest with yourself is not easy task. In fact it is very difficult, and heart breaking. You become vulnerable you have to admit that you are not the image you want others to see. you have to admit you are not the image that you want to be. Its all OK. Only when you  honestly see yourself  can you honestly change, yourself,and start to untangle your knots. Warning: there is no magic pill. no magic wand to wave. It takes hard work reflection, dedication, and forgiveness to untie the toughest of knots.  First you have to own your mistakes, and face them then you have to forgive yourself, and finally you have to commit to choosing better, everyday.  I may have some knots to untangle, and it is overwhelming at times, but nothing will ever change if I don’t start. 

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