Deep Thoughts

ITS JUST LIFE

Its just Life, no one gets out alive.

Stop the worries, stop the stress, and please I beg you to Live. Do the things you never thought you could. Its just life, no one get out alive.

No One is guaranteed a  happy ending.

So go ahead make bad choices. Go ahead learn, but don’t expect things to go your way.

They won’t.

But expect to get back what you give in. You are not guaranteed a happy ending just because you were born, you have to try.

 

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One Day

And one day she woke up. She was sick of dreaming. So she started living.

My vulnerable self

I was always told I was guarded. I tried not to be. But I didn’t know what that meant.

I actually googled how to be vulnerable. Insert eye roll here.

It took years, but I discovered.. Vulnerability.

To be able to be vulnerable, you have to know and accept you faults. ACCEPT your FAULTS.

Its not opening up to someone and praying they don’t judge you. its opening up to yourself  and accepting you just the way you are.

When you accept yourself,  allow yourself to be humble.Let go of your Ego.  No one can touch you. Only when you love yourself, you stop needing others approval. you stop needing your own approval.

When you accept yourself, only then will you let another accept you.

The One

Be with the one who has seen your darkness and loves you anyway

Be with the one you have pushed away a million time and still comes back.

Be with the one that loves you when your not at your best.

Be with the one who, refuses to let you go.

Be with the one who won’t give up on you, when you gave up on yourself.

Be with the one who know your soul, and makes it their life mission to fill it.

regardless of any thing, thats the one you should always choose.

Michelle J.

Happiness

Life is nothing but a journey.

I am always afraid of the destination.

Whats going to happen? will I be happy? It is hard to relax in the moment when you are continually planning the future outcome.

What is happy?

Is anyone perpetually happy?

 

No.

But you have moments.

I was happy when I caught my first fish.

I was happy in moments with you.

Its not completing  the “plan” that makes you happy.

Happiness is never, there to stay.

Embrace it when it happens and then let it move thru you, let it pass.

Happiness will come again. Is always does.

Happiness is a moment, and yes it will pass just like sorrow. You can’t live in it, but you can let it consume you, maybe just for a moment. And smile when its gone, because it happened.

Michelle J.

Alive

Theres so much Beauty in the pain and uncertainty of life.

We are often too focused on it at the time to see it.

But step back for a moment and you’ll see it, the sliver of Glorious bruises that make you.

Enjoy the painful moments because they are what make you feel alive.

Perceived self

All we are is how we are perceived to be.  How can we know we are not just the product of societal perception , and desire?

Is our whole being just a by product of what we are advertised to supposed to be. Are we all just acting out, the decrement and projections of the outer world.

Maybe the only people who know the answer to this are the ones who live on the edge. Who refuse to conform, the ones we call crazy.

The Letting go Let down

My life has been comprised of a million distractions.

Remove them.

Distractions peel away at your soul.

No one Lives forever. Let it go.

I know you can, Let the hurt, the emptiness wash through you. Allow yourself to be content with the memories, and lessons. and let it Go.

You are not  your distractions, when you let them go you find your real self. It is only then you see all the ways you compromised your truth.

The only way to find yourself is to remove all the distractions telling you who you are.

Be alone and embrace the let down of letting go.

 

 

 

There I Said It.

I Am unable to have children. <sigh> There I said it. I feel better now. Well not really.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my fate, destiny…whatever. Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been asked to accept in my life. I say “accept” because that is exactly what I must do. If I fail to accept it, it will consume me, and I will become bitter and resentful, a person I actively choose not to be.

I can’t begin to put to words to the types of feelings and thoughts a young woman goes through when she finds out. It is a lonely place, and somedays it is impossible. There is no funeral, no outpouring of support, and no one bakes you a lasagna. Though I feel incredibly alone, I know I am not. Doesn’t help. Doesn’t make me want it less.

I have yet to share my feelings about my defective innards with anyone. I don’t like pity, sympathy, and other such ridiculous cliche’ spectacles. I don’t like it when people look at me like I’m broken, or they think because I told them they have to fix me.  I realize I have a problem accepting help and sympathy, I have a problem crying in front of people, and sharing my feelings. I am a work in progress. Whatever my emotional maturity level is, I know I need to let go, to keep moving forward.

I wanted to have children since I was a child myself. In fact when asked how many, my answer was 12. I loved the idea of a big family. I had dreams of rocking and singing my baby to sleep.  Proudly watching my babies eyes light up when he/she took their first step. Taking pictures of beaming little faces on the first day of school. My husband patiently helping them with their math homework. Kissing scrapped knees and hurt feelings. Boisterous family dinners filled with giggles and silly conversations. Nature hikes, family vacations, and soccer games. I dreamed of teaching them about life and love. I dreamed of recreating my fondest childhood memories with them. Building huge couch forts, Helping them through their first heartbreak, prom, graduation, marriage, and grand kids. Having something I can hold up to the world and say “I MADE THIS! and It is AMAZING!” I dreamed of experiencing that magical thing called un-conditional love. All of these things and more, will never come to fruition for me. When I am ready to leave this world, I will not be surrounded by the family I have built, I will most likely be alone.

As much as I try to, plaster a smile on my face there are constant daily reminders, of my unfulfilled aspirations. Although I realize these statements and suggestions are always given with the best intentions, I still need to vent the frustration that I feel behind them. Perhaps there are others out there who may relate, and in no way is this meant to thwart the good intentions of others, it is only my personal take.

” I have this friend who couldn’t get pregnant for X years then all of a sudden she did, so you never know.” For one, I am not your friend and your words offer very little comfort, in fact It seems like a one-up statement. Sharing your friends happy ending  just makes me want to slap the <insert expletive here> out of you.

“Why don’t you see a doctor, or try in vitro, lots of people who couldn’t have babies had success with it.” Right, all those medical treatments and the like are not guaranteed and cost tens of thousands of dollars I don’t have. So thanks, but seriously like I haven’t thought of that?!!

“You could always adopt” Your right I could, Not the same, but thanks, and by the way you have know idea the situation I am in, or how my other half is dealing or not dealing with this. Again I am aware of my options, and honestly I am not at that decision making point yet. I also don’t think I am ready for endless wait, and possible heartbreak when it doesn’t work out.

My real answer to all of these polite suggestions is the same “Yeah Maybe” as I bite my lower lip in order to hold back the frustration, in my voice.

“Do you have any kids? “Your getting old you should pop out some kids soon!” “Do you want kids?” All of these statements, even though they seem harmless are like knives to my empty womb every time I hear them. My general answer is some vague, yet cheery “Not yet”, or “still working on it.” I don’t feel the need to elaborate further, mostly because I don’t want to see your pity face, hear your solutions (see above) or answer your questions. Honestly the more you wish to talk about my barren belly the faster I want to get away from you.

“Bet your glad you don’t have kids”, ” You do not  know how lucky you are.” or any statement to that effect.  You don’t know how lucky you are to have them. Please continue  to tell me about my luck of having my dreams and goals shattered. Please continue to tell me how awesome it is, to be incapable of creating another human. Share with me how lucky I am to never  feel that unconditional love. Yeah Buddy, the gods have blessed me for sure. I usually respond with a small laugh, eye roll combination followed with a sarcastic “yeah”.

Just know that every baby shower I go to, I am reminded of what will never manifest in my life. Every time I see your baby photos on Facebook  I am imagineing a future that doesn’t exist. Just know that when you proudly talk about child’s accomplishments, I will be unable to contribute to the conversation. Please know that I don’t want to be this way, but I am. I am truly happy for you and your genius child, they are incredibly cute. But sometimes, it is just a reminder. It still hurts. I haven’t healed yet. Honestly, there will always be a place in my heart for the child that never was.

It takes a lot not to think about it every time I see a commercial, a family at the zoo, a new children’s movie, or simply walk past the baby section at Target. At first I just ignored it, then I cried about it, I blamed God. I found distractions, the gym, friends, work….whatever I could just to fill the gap. Now I know none of these distractions will help me face this, with every end to a distraction I desprratly seek to find another, only to repeat the messy process, over and over.

Perhaps like any other grieving processes it just takes time. I no longer blame God. I still cry. I am still searching for a new distraction. Right now, I find myself in a hard place. I really don’t know when I will feel ok. My whole life I assumed I was meant to get married and have babies, end. But now I need to find a new purpose. I don’t think I can be happy if I don’t.  Perhaps I can travel the world, climb mountains, and  explore the beauty behind my front door, and my past aspirations. I only need to take that step, leave my self pity behind me and keep moving forward.

The Walls I Built.

The Walls I Built kept people out, but they also locked me in.

 

garden

 

So I started this blog.  When I initially started it, I was fearful of posting anything personal, least someone discover it was me writing,  oh the horror! Honestly, I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, heavy, light or random. I needed a place to dump them. I am not an openly emotional person, I tend to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself sans a select few. I viewed this blog as a way to express myself anonymously to anyone who wanted to hear me.

The more I typed, the more ideas I came up with (most of them yet to be posted). The more I realized, rather felt a deep need to put my whole self into this. I need my soul to pour out through my words no matter who is listening. The only way I will feel relief from my thoughts is if I give them life. After spending so many years in  my own personal silence feeling as though no one would listen, I have decided it is high time I find my voice.

This is a huge personal hurdle for me to jump over. Everyone struggles with something, perhaps this is my thing. It’s not easy for me to pour myself  out, and be left to stand alone in the line of others judgments, to feel naked and vulnerable with your feelings and inner person outside its shell. But theses are the things that make us human, these are the things I fall in love with in other people. At some point I have decided to let my fears control my expressions.

The longer I live and the more I think about it, it may seem easy to build walls at first, but eventually, your walls just become a prison for yourself. Its lonely in here. I think about all the people I have successfully shut out of my life, because I was too afraid to open up. How many opportunities to have a real connection with someone have I missed? How much of myself have I held back, and held in. Always believing you are born alone and you die alone, thus you end up living alone. It is more harmful to keep those walls up then it is to <gasp> be vulnerable.

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I have yet to inform my family or friends of my blog adventure. In fact I was hesitant to tell the Bust Buy guy who sold me my lap top what my intended use was. I am still nervous to expose myself, quite possibly a side of me no one knew existed. I am terrified of their reactions, terrified of the things they will think but not say. I am even more afraid of staying in this dark prison, I am afraid that I will let my own insecurities  keep me from my aspirations.

I need to strip down my outer walls, and expose myself to the public, not the me I carefully plan to show.  I have already spent too much time being someone else for everyone else, Now I need to be myself for myself, judgements be damned! I need to knock my walls down and let the stones fall where they may. Climb out of the rubble and live.

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