Deep Thoughts

There I Said It.

I Am unable to have children. <sigh> There I said it. I feel better now. Well not really.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my fate, destiny…whatever. Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been asked to accept in my life. I say “accept” because that is exactly what I must do. If I fail to accept it, it will consume me, and I will become bitter and resentful, a person I actively choose not to be.

I can’t begin to put to words to the types of feelings and thoughts a young woman goes through when she finds out. It is a lonely place, and somedays it is impossible. There is no funeral, no outpouring of support, and no one bakes you a lasagna. Though I feel incredibly alone, I know I am not. Doesn’t help. Doesn’t make me want it less.

I have yet to share my feelings about my defective innards with anyone. I don’t like pity, sympathy, and other such ridiculous cliche’ spectacles. I don’t like it when people look at me like I’m broken, or they think because I told them they have to fix me.  I realize I have a problem accepting help and sympathy, I have a problem crying in front of people, and sharing my feelings. I am a work in progress. Whatever my emotional maturity level is, I know I need to let go, to keep moving forward.

I wanted to have children since I was a child myself. In fact when asked how many, my answer was 12. I loved the idea of a big family. I had dreams of rocking and singing my baby to sleep.  Proudly watching my babies eyes light up when he/she took their first step. Taking pictures of beaming little faces on the first day of school. My husband patiently helping them with their math homework. Kissing scrapped knees and hurt feelings. Boisterous family dinners filled with giggles and silly conversations. Nature hikes, family vacations, and soccer games. I dreamed of teaching them about life and love. I dreamed of recreating my fondest childhood memories with them. Building huge couch forts, Helping them through their first heartbreak, prom, graduation, marriage, and grand kids. Having something I can hold up to the world and say “I MADE THIS! and It is AMAZING!” I dreamed of experiencing that magical thing called un-conditional love. All of these things and more, will never come to fruition for me. When I am ready to leave this world, I will not be surrounded by the family I have built, I will most likely be alone.

As much as I try to, plaster a smile on my face there are constant daily reminders, of my unfulfilled aspirations. Although I realize these statements and suggestions are always given with the best intentions, I still need to vent the frustration that I feel behind them. Perhaps there are others out there who may relate, and in no way is this meant to thwart the good intentions of others, it is only my personal take.

” I have this friend who couldn’t get pregnant for X years then all of a sudden she did, so you never know.” For one, I am not your friend and your words offer very little comfort, in fact It seems like a one-up statement. Sharing your friends happy ending  just makes me want to slap the <insert expletive here> out of you.

“Why don’t you see a doctor, or try in vitro, lots of people who couldn’t have babies had success with it.” Right, all those medical treatments and the like are not guaranteed and cost tens of thousands of dollars I don’t have. So thanks, but seriously like I haven’t thought of that?!!

“You could always adopt” Your right I could, Not the same, but thanks, and by the way you have know idea the situation I am in, or how my other half is dealing or not dealing with this. Again I am aware of my options, and honestly I am not at that decision making point yet. I also don’t think I am ready for endless wait, and possible heartbreak when it doesn’t work out.

My real answer to all of these polite suggestions is the same “Yeah Maybe” as I bite my lower lip in order to hold back the frustration, in my voice.

“Do you have any kids? “Your getting old you should pop out some kids soon!” “Do you want kids?” All of these statements, even though they seem harmless are like knives to my empty womb every time I hear them. My general answer is some vague, yet cheery “Not yet”, or “still working on it.” I don’t feel the need to elaborate further, mostly because I don’t want to see your pity face, hear your solutions (see above) or answer your questions. Honestly the more you wish to talk about my barren belly the faster I want to get away from you.

“Bet your glad you don’t have kids”, ” You do not  know how lucky you are.” or any statement to that effect.  You don’t know how lucky you are to have them. Please continue  to tell me about my luck of having my dreams and goals shattered. Please continue to tell me how awesome it is, to be incapable of creating another human. Share with me how lucky I am to never  feel that unconditional love. Yeah Buddy, the gods have blessed me for sure. I usually respond with a small laugh, eye roll combination followed with a sarcastic “yeah”.

Just know that every baby shower I go to, I am reminded of what will never manifest in my life. Every time I see your baby photos on Facebook  I am imagineing a future that doesn’t exist. Just know that when you proudly talk about child’s accomplishments, I will be unable to contribute to the conversation. Please know that I don’t want to be this way, but I am. I am truly happy for you and your genius child, they are incredibly cute. But sometimes, it is just a reminder. It still hurts. I haven’t healed yet. Honestly, there will always be a place in my heart for the child that never was.

It takes a lot not to think about it every time I see a commercial, a family at the zoo, a new children’s movie, or simply walk past the baby section at Target. At first I just ignored it, then I cried about it, I blamed God. I found distractions, the gym, friends, work….whatever I could just to fill the gap. Now I know none of these distractions will help me face this, with every end to a distraction I desprratly seek to find another, only to repeat the messy process, over and over.

Perhaps like any other grieving processes it just takes time. I no longer blame God. I still cry. I am still searching for a new distraction. Right now, I find myself in a hard place. I really don’t know when I will feel ok. My whole life I assumed I was meant to get married and have babies, end. But now I need to find a new purpose. I don’t think I can be happy if I don’t.  Perhaps I can travel the world, climb mountains, and  explore the beauty behind my front door, and my past aspirations. I only need to take that step, leave my self pity behind me and keep moving forward.

The Walls I Built.

The Walls I Built kept people out, but they also locked me in.

 

garden

 

So I started this blog.  When I initially started it, I was fearful of posting anything personal, least someone discover it was me writing,  oh the horror! Honestly, I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, heavy, light or random. I needed a place to dump them. I am not an openly emotional person, I tend to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself sans a select few. I viewed this blog as a way to express myself anonymously to anyone who wanted to hear me.

The more I typed, the more ideas I came up with (most of them yet to be posted). The more I realized, rather felt a deep need to put my whole self into this. I need my soul to pour out through my words no matter who is listening. The only way I will feel relief from my thoughts is if I give them life. After spending so many years in  my own personal silence feeling as though no one would listen, I have decided it is high time I find my voice.

This is a huge personal hurdle for me to jump over. Everyone struggles with something, perhaps this is my thing. It’s not easy for me to pour myself  out, and be left to stand alone in the line of others judgments, to feel naked and vulnerable with your feelings and inner person outside its shell. But theses are the things that make us human, these are the things I fall in love with in other people. At some point I have decided to let my fears control my expressions.

The longer I live and the more I think about it, it may seem easy to build walls at first, but eventually, your walls just become a prison for yourself. Its lonely in here. I think about all the people I have successfully shut out of my life, because I was too afraid to open up. How many opportunities to have a real connection with someone have I missed? How much of myself have I held back, and held in. Always believing you are born alone and you die alone, thus you end up living alone. It is more harmful to keep those walls up then it is to <gasp> be vulnerable.

images-2

I have yet to inform my family or friends of my blog adventure. In fact I was hesitant to tell the Bust Buy guy who sold me my lap top what my intended use was. I am still nervous to expose myself, quite possibly a side of me no one knew existed. I am terrified of their reactions, terrified of the things they will think but not say. I am even more afraid of staying in this dark prison, I am afraid that I will let my own insecurities  keep me from my aspirations.

I need to strip down my outer walls, and expose myself to the public, not the me I carefully plan to show.  I have already spent too much time being someone else for everyone else, Now I need to be myself for myself, judgements be damned! I need to knock my walls down and let the stones fall where they may. Climb out of the rubble and live.

images

Thoughts Inside a Tanning Bed

I enter the tanning room……

Whoa! That Tanning bed is Ginormous! Seriously it is like the size of a shipping crate. Please tell me what person is the size of an ocean liner?

Starts to undress….

Dang its cold in here! One would think if people are getting naked up in here, they would turn up the heat.

I Strip down to my birthday suit, and open worlds smallest packet of tanning lotion for $5.

There is no way this is going to cover my whole body! 

I rip open tiny package with my teeth, loose a dollop to the floor.

Seriously?! That was like $2.50?!@!#

I consider using fallen lotion….decide it would only lead to some incurable skin condition, and leave the lonely dollop on the floor. Rub remaining lotion on my skin.

Awesome I smell like a stripper….This must be what they use hehe.

Notices footsteps outside door. 

Did those footsteps just stop outside my door?  what is he doing out there… Oh hell I hope he doesn’t come in.  Did I lock the door? not sure it matters these doors are a little flimsy any way, I am sure if Mr. footstep wanted to get in he would have no trouble. Is he just standing out there?  Why doesn’t he move?

<coughs> <clears throat> in hopes that stranger will know I am in here, get scared and run away. lay down on the cold bed, afraid to press my goose pimpled flesh onto the icy glass.

Must find distraction until this rocket takes off.

Finding good song on i-pod

Did, I really download all of these?

<Skip…Skip…Skip..>

Note to self: create playlist of songs you actually want to hear. I wonder if anyone else gets sick of their music? Why don’t you just pick what song you want to hear so you can stop flipping?

 <Skip…Skip..>

Fine! No more skipping next song is staying on no matter what it is!  Ugh Brittney Spears… <Skip> surly I downloaded that as a joke!?

<Skip…Skip> Tanning bed finally Fires Up 

Whoa! this thing is loud.  teeeheee its like I’m inside a rocket ship. BLAST OFF!! So that’s what the goggles are for! damn its bright in here? Body looks so cool in neon! I wish I could be in neon all the time. That would be weird though. What if I was the only one with a neon body. People would see me and be all like ” Is she from the future?” And of course I would respond. “YES!”

images-3

  Wait……. are all of my body parts getting hit with this thing? I hope there isn’t some crazy skin roll in my back, because then I’ll have some weird stripe, and people will call me  crazy zebra lady.  Maybe I could get a spot on National Geographic channel like that lizard guy? What about my butt crease?  Am I down far enough?    Stop thinking about it, just relax…shhh shh shhhhhh.

images-6

Adjusts back, legs, neck and whole body….

I’m feeling so fly like a cheese stick, like a cheese sick…that cant be what they saying. Cheese sticks  are good and all, but I never equated them with feeling fly. Mental note: look up song lyrics when I get home.

What if the glass I am laying on collapses, and my naked body falls on shards of hot light bulbs, would I die instantly? or would  I have to pull my bloodied body out? I would then become hysterical and run out of the room. I’d be screaming, naked, and running around the hallways frantically searching for help. They’d have to call 911 because I would be burnt, bloody and super dramatic about it. I would make the incident look like a scene from a gore filled horror flick. Wiping handfuls of blood all over the walls…. On second thought, that would be awkward, and maaybeeee… a little too much.  I most likely would pull myself from the wreckage and slide my clothes on over the glass shards, calmly, approach the counter and explain what happened. “Excuse me mam, I believe your tanning bed is broken, as evidenced by my blistering and bloody glass filled body.” She would be all horrified, and I would then demand a refund, at least!  Did something just shift beneath me, did I just hear glass crack? 316260

Turns off music inspects tanning bed. lays back down sighing in relief.

That girl I saw, the other day, looks like she spent so much time on her appearance, I’ll bet she farts glitter. If a person really did fart glitter, would they need to wear some kind of filter type underwear, like cheese cloth or something?  Seriously where would all the glitter go?  It would probably all accumulate in your pants until you took them off, then there would be a huge glitter pile on your bedroom floor. That would be hard to get rid of, you’d have to vacuum the glitter spot for weeks, nay decades and there would still be glitter! Seriously that stuff never goes away!  If I farted glitter I would sport ass-less chaps, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about dealing with mass amounts of glitter in my panties. I could also spread the glitter love, a little puff here, a little puff there, MAGICAL! No robbing banks after eating taco bell though, because it would leave a trail of glitter for the cops to follow….BUSTED!

images-4

Cuz you make me feeeel like……. I’ve beeen locked in a heaaad lock, for too loooonnng.

hehehe Shark Nado! hehehe. That was a terrible movie!  Ill bet they make a sequel. They always make a sequel, wonder if the sequel will be just as bad….or worse?  Maybe it won’t be about sharks but centipedes. I’m Pretty sure if a centipede tornado came I would drop dead from fear! those things are freaky fast, and all the legs…soft bodies…running around on my skin…AHHHHH!

images-5

I jump up and itch my whole body checking the floor and tanning bed for centipedes.

What is wrong with me?!  I must be the weirdest person alive. I’ll probably end up in a nut house at some point in my life. That really wouldn’t be so bad though? I could play bridge with all the other crazies all day long. I’ll bet half of them are not crazy, they are just so brilliant that people think they are crazy. I’ll bet one of them is a time traveler, he’d be interesting to talk to.

Am I burning? feels like I’m burning? its pretty hot in here….. I wonder if tanning beds ever start on fire? That’s silly Shelly you would know if it was on fire, Right?  What if my tanning bed IS on fire? and I can’t feel it because its hot in here, and I don’t notice the flame because it’s so bright? If it did start on fire do you think it would spontaneously combust, and any chance for escape, would be futile? Or would I realize I was burning and have time to remove myself from the tanning bed and roll around on the ground.  Would I STOP-DROP and ROLL? I have seen a few shows on television where people were on fire and I felt the need to scream at the T.V.  They would run around flailing their arms, in a panic, making the fire grow larger. I really feel like the whole STOP DROP and ROLL thing was a big part of passing kindergarten. Maybe when your on fire you lose all your senses and forget?

h75AE56DE

Gets up to make sure tanning bed is not on fire, just in case.

I feel like I’ve been in this thing forever. how many minutes left… I wish I could just sleep in these things like normal people do.

Tanning bed shuts off.

I am giving up the dream

Child dreamI used to keep a journal as a young girl. I filled its blank pages with hopes and dreams for the future, I was destined to have. I would eventually live in a lavish 8 bedroom mansion with a butler named Turtle. I would be a famous painter matching the likes of Picasso and Salvador Dahlia. During the week I would be called on a dangerous James Bond-type mission, where I would save the world from evil drug dealers and the like, in one 12 hour work day, with barley a scratch on me. Ahhhh…. The dreams and possibilities of being young. The world was wide open, I could be and do anything, and all I had to do was choose, and apply myself.

As the years grew on me like some fungus you cant get rid of, life just slowed down. All the drama and passion of my younger years faded, and the slow boring crawl of adulthood took over. I have become so inundated with responsibilities, bills, and dentist appointments, that I would argue with myself, that there was no time for silly little girl dreams. Life became less fun, more stressful, it became less about what I believed to be possible and more about what I was told was impossible. Its like we become adults and the world all of a sudden becomes this grey mono-toned color where we all slowly go about our daily activities to some gloomy music, duuun..work….duuuun..traffic… duuuun….bills… duuuuuun…dentist. All the things I wanted to do became wrapped up in a dream carved box and pushed onto a dusty shelf, only to be opened later as a big box of regrets, and failed attempts.

I always imagined I was going to accomplish so much, that I was going to single handedly change the world. Only to grow up and discover the only change I ever made was to get bigger sized pants and paint my living room a brazen color like red! Which, by the way I highly suggest not doing, mostly because if you want to change it sometime in the future, you will be truly angry with yourself despite how easy the home depot sales people say it will be. Also do not even consider it if your not a good painter, like me (recently discovered fault of mine) because mistakes are really easy to spot.

Suddenly on some random, usually sunny, day clarity slaps you in the face. For me I think it was the blessing of seeing people in their death beds and listening to their stories. Some of them full of regrets, things not said, and opportunities missed. And a few were full of joy, chances taken dreams fulfilled. It was an eye opener for me, truth is I wasn’t finished yet. I realized that I still had an opportunity to dream, and if I continued to let the mundane pace of adulthood slip in, it would strangle me.

All these heavy thoughts got me thinking, and I mean really thinking. What dreams, and goals from my past is it time to give up on? Should I bother replacing old dreams with new ones, only to be let down in another 10…20 years, then have to write another blog about it? Or is it finally time to listen to my parents and make some real goals, such as getting a raise at the job I don’t like? What dreams are any of us willing to let go of 1/2 way through the game? And what dreams should we give up on?

I decided that it is time to become realistic about my future. I have decided to officially give up……… Some dreams anyway. Here’s the thing, I know it sounds like a defeatist attitude, but honestly there are some things I am just not cut out for. The movie Rudy for example. It’s a wonderful story, about dreams, determination, and a lot of heart. But there is a problem with the story, although Rudy was put in for one play, and he did an amazing job. One can’t deny that he probably would have been a terrible overall player, long term. It’s not to say that it wasn’t worth all his effort, for him it most certainly was. For me, I have a lot of dreams, and a lot of ground to cover, so I can’t waste my time, practicing to become the greatest hip- hop dance fighter the world has ever seen. I am a hopeless klutz and no matter the amount of practice, I will always look like a mentally challenged chimpanzee on meth, while dancing. I’m not trying to tear myself down it is just a fact and I am ok with it.

I guess it is time to get down to it, I will most likely never own a Mercedes Benz, I will never have enough disposable income to justify purchasing one, plus if Janis Joplin couldn’t attain one, what are my odds? I will never go deep sea diving, it always seemed great and adventurous, but quite frankly I have reached a point in my life where It just scares the shit out of me, anyway. I will never be an Olympic contender, I am past the point in my life, where it is just not feasible. I won’t become an astronaut, I’m just not that smart, again it’s a fact not a put down. There are a lot of things that I can’t do, which maybe contradictory to all the adults who told me I can do anything I wanted, but I think the only way to reach your goals is to at least make them obtainable, and realistic.

So what now? I could berate myself, why wasn’t I more focused, why, did I squander my younger years away on friends and folly, always believing that I had ample time to sneak in some accomplishments and trophies. Although I strongly believe that spending to much time thinking about the past is a sure fire way to stay there. I could blame my parents, that’s always a good fall back plan. Why didn’t you support me? Why didn’t you push me harder? Seems a little unfair though doesn’t it. I could of course do the most productive thing and look inside myself and decide to keep moving forward. I could decide that everyday, nay every hour is an opportunity to move closer to my dreams. I could unwrap the binding chains of adulthood and face my fears. I still have time to become the woman I dreamed of but this time will be different this time I will not let myself get in the way. Indeed the road to success is paved with many desirable parking spaces.

I may not be as young as I once was, I may have some limitations (lots of limitations) especially when it comes to dancing. Maybe I didn’t start a revolutionary company like Bill Gates, in his 20s.Or write and publish a famous novel like Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein also in her 20s. I still have plenty of time to put my stamp on the world. For example Jean Eugene Atget, now considered one of the greatest photographers, took up photography, at the ripe age of 40. And at the age of 50 Samuel Adams directed the Boston Tea Party, (he also makes a great beer…wait, it might not be the same guy?) Still even more impressive at the age of 80 Christine Brown of Laguna Hills, California flew to China and climbed the Great Wall! Here I come mt Everest! The fact is its never to late to claim your dreams.Great_Wall_of_China_July_2006 (1)

Its too late to change my past, unless…(insert evil grin) I invent a time machine, and get my past self all fired up for dreams and accomplishments, and become famous, which will essentially negate the need for time machine building in the future. Thus the time machine never gets built, and if it never gets made, then I miss out on the Nobel prize and never go back in time to begin with, soooo…mmmk lets just say time machines are never good ideas, but I digress. I can’t change my past, the only thing I can do now is move forward…

So YES I have given up, I have given up on all the unobtainable dreams of my youth, and right now, I am pleased with that (I hear gigantic 8 bedroom mansions have really high electric bills), because I have made some practical, real life goals that can be accomplished, with a little focus, determination and a lot of heart. And hopefully I can die with peace in my heart knowing that I didn’t give in or give up.

Someone Died Today.

Someone died today.

It’s no big deal or anything, lots of people die. I think the thing I wonder about is if they could come back, what would they say what advice would they have for us? I doubt it would be anything profound, Like “OMG!! We are all ONE and we must recycle, and by the way God is a black woman.”  I’d like to think it would be more mundane, such as “did I leave the stove on?” or “I wonder what Karl and Sue are up to tonight?”

I imagine they would not regret the risks they took (unless that’s why they are dead :/) they may have regretted not forming close relationships, with the ones they love.  Or not saying I love you enough to their spouse, kids..ext. I suppose whatever their issues are or were they will still there at the time of death. Are any of them happy, does anyone die and say “well I did my best, and lived my life with no regrets”?  I suspect that some do.

This topic is not new. I am certainly not the first to think of death in this way; however I don’t think it does us any harm either. We should not necessarily think of death, but rather think of life. Many times in our lives thoughts arise. Such as, are happy, did we do the right thing, how we’ve been hurt in the past, and how to plan for the future. I think all these thoughts and decisions can be better made when put in the perspective of death. Not in a gothic death is cool way, but in a practical, does this really matter in the end way. I certainly know when I die the last thing I’m going to think about is the expensive car I owned, or whether my mother in law accepted me. I could go on about the mundane things that ramble throughout my head and cause me undue stress on a daily basis, but really it doesn’t matter.  Maybe reminding ourselves of our impending doom can change the way we think about our worries and thoughts.

When I die I think I’ll be more concerned with questions such as, did I live honorably, did I express my love and affection to those I care for, do they know how much they meant to me? Did I spend too much time keeping up with the latest T.V. dramas and not enough time exploring the world? Did I talk too much and not listen, enough? Did I live my life for myself, or did I give enough to others?  Am I happy with the way I conducted myself whilst alive, can I “die” with it?

When it’s my turn to meet my maker, I don’t want to wish I have lived differently. I met those people, you know the ones, they are demanding and selfish, they care only about their gain. They hurt others without a thought of remorse. They are the line skippers; they are the ones who yell at the 16 year old waitress, because their steak is over cooked. They have a sense of entitlement; they are the people who use the phrase “do you know who I am?” I’ve seen them perish and it is sad, because ultimately they die angry and alone, and the only person holding their hand is a stranger, usually a nurse that believes no one should die alone, even the assholes. Seems to me that it’s no way to live or die for that matter.

I guess to end this random thought, it might be best to use the cliche’ live as if you were dying,  but really do it, as if you were dying, not just like you read the quote somewhere and thought  we should all do this…. But what if we all did do that?  What If everyone in the world lived like they were dying!? Now you are looking at mass hysteria!  And for some reason if people think they are dying, they will steal electronics?! Which always gets me in movies? If I thought the world was ending or it was time for survival mode, I might take food and water, but seriously what are you going do with a TV? It’s like they are dying and think their remaining hours would be best spent watching dancing with the stars?  So maybe we shouldn’t live like we are dying. I guess we should all just Live, learn our lessons on the way, be proud of who we are and what we’ve accomplished, and when making a decision, always make sure you can live or rather, die with yourself.