Tangled Knots

The knots in my life are of my own choosing

 Floating, or rather tripping through life we inevitably create seemingly impossible knots. Life can be like those children’s activity books, where you need to find the end of a particular string through a mess of other strings.  It is a daunting and often a overwhelming task, but in order to move forward we must deal with the tangles of our past. 

With time and distance it becomes easier to see the turns you took to become so tangled.  Like the very cliche’ line ” Hind sight is 20/20″ time and distance give us a broader view.  Things that were clouded by a narrow focus become crystal clear, when we back up enough to see the “big picture”.  In the middle of the knot, it is impossible to see  which string to pull that will get you out and ,often times we pull the wrong one. 

The knots in my life are of my own choosing. That statement, gave me the power and ability to untangle myself. Turns out I am responsible for even the things that just “happen” to me. I can not have babies, can turn me into a bitter blame God for everything, and curse the world type of person, or I can use my nurturing nature to help those in need, thus fulfilling the void. The realization that the consequence of the things that “happen” to me is in my control is truly a sober one, it grants me the power to choose how to re-act in the best possible way. 

I forgive myself for not knowing better, for not taking the right action which is clear now. I have made plenty of decisions, I have come to regret. I have done somethings in my narrowed vision that I take responsibility for. I have no-one to blame but myself.  It is hard.  My mind wants to constantly re-mind me of every time I tripped, it wants to berate me for choices made out of comfort,  that were not in my best long term interest. I have to fight my own voice daily. When it tells me I am not good enough, or that I cant  accomplish this or that. I have to tell my self to shut-up, when I want to default to who I was. Make no mistake, it is a battle to fight the person you were to become the person you want to be. 

It was only when I accepted my role, and responsibility for my life that I had the power to control it. Life Is not what happens to you, It is how you react and what you do with it  that makes our messes or gets us out of them. Only when we become accountable for our choices, we can make better ones.  If I continue to believe that all the terrible things that happen to me are out of my control than I  forfeit my ability to change them. Instead of saying he/she did this/that,  instead of keeping that toxic  person in my life  I can chose to let them go.  Instead of saying because of this I cant do that, and wallowing in self pity at how cruel and unfair the world is, I can change the way I look at it or chose a better path. I have the choice, because I am responsible for my life and its outcomes. 

I am still working out the knots I created, I don’t think that task will ever end.  My approach is different. Instead if blaming (Insert whatever you want here) I look at my actions, what did I do to contribute, what would have been a better choice? How can I avoid this in the future? Beating myself up over past mistakes only allows the mistake to drag behind me. Facing the mistake admitting fault, and taking corrective action, releases me from the weight allows me to move forward and prevents me from repeating the mistake. Bottom line, forgive yourself.

Facing your flaws and being honest with yourself is not easy task. In fact it is very difficult, and heart breaking. You become vulnerable you have to admit that you are not the image you want others to see. you have to admit you are not the image that you want to be. Its all OK. Only when you  honestly see yourself  can you honestly change, yourself,and start to untangle your knots. Warning: there is no magic pill. no magic wand to wave. It takes hard work reflection, dedication, and forgiveness to untie the toughest of knots.  First you have to own your mistakes, and face them then you have to forgive yourself, and finally you have to commit to choosing better, everyday.  I may have some knots to untangle, and it is overwhelming at times, but nothing will ever change if I don’t start. 

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Choices in our Salad Bar Life

Life is like a salad bar, but unlike a box of chocolates, you know what you are going to get. Everyday we have the option to choose between the macaroni salad and the cottage cheese. Choices laid out in front of us, everyday make up who we are and what we become. It all seems simple enough, but ultimately what we decide to fill our plate with is what makes up our meal. A seemingly non-life changing choice to eat cheeseburgers every day, will eventually end in high blood pressure and stroke.

The problem with so many options is, we want it all, but beets and chocolate just don’t mix. We may like both, but only one will get us to our perfect salad bar plate. If we want to live true to ourselves and practice what we preach, we can’t always pick what feels good in the moment. We have to continuously make the choices suited to our goal.

If anyone were to look at my personal Facebook page, they would meet the me that I pretend to be: kind, confident, has it all together, adventurous, perfect me.  Happy perfect faces we scroll by on social media are really just snapshots of the we want others to see. I wish I was the person I portray myself to be. The reality of my life is much different from that Utopian world. Just as we pick and choose what photos to post, we also get to pick and choose what actions we take.

I have many goals in life. I want to be a writer for instance, but when I belly up to the salad bar I don’t always choose the options that will further my goal. Finishing that article versus drinking with friends?  I know what I would prefer to do, but I also know what I should do. I have to ask myself daily, am I who I want to be? What choices can I make today to get me there. Sometimes the simplest things prove to be the hardest.

Like the salad bar, adding a poor choice to an otherwise perfect salad can ruin all the previous choices. When we decide to pick and choose what rules we want to follow and when we want to follow them, we struggle to live true to our ideal selves.  If I want to be in shape and loose weight, I know it will take hard work at the gym, and I will have to make the choice of spinach over cake. The same goes for any religion you practice. Can you treat others how you would like to be treated and then turn around, and show little tolerance for people you perceive as being beneath you. We may say we want to be good husbands or wives and then, act selfish and inconsiderate to our spouse. How often when the choices to be the better person come up do we act upon them? How often do we practice what we preach, choose patience over agitation, understanding over intolerance or love over hate? We all have free will to make whatever choices we want but if we are striving to be better we need to live the whole truth, not just picking the parts we like, when we like.

There is a quote in the bible I feel fits this very well.

“No one can serve two masters, Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You can not serve both God and Mammon.”  Matthew 6:24

Two masters can mean anything. Perhaps its between who you want to be versus being comfortable. Maybe it is choosing between the religion you profess or something that goes against it. Unfortunately, in order to grow into our accomplished selves, we can only choose one master. We can’t always have both.

Sometimes we need to scrape the poor ingrained choices off of our plate. There was a point in my life where I lived for myself, I always choose fun over responsibility, and selfish acts over compassionate ones. My choices were leading me down a path that was against what I really wanted for myself, but it felt good at the time. All my self-indulgence just lead me to a unproductive and unfulfilled life. I had to choose differently.  Cleaning off your plate of poor choices is imperative for success. If we never clean our plate off and get rid of the things in our life that don’t fit, the overall picture we have for ourselves will never manifest. This could be people, habits, or whatever is in your life that doesn’t align with your goals or beliefs.  I used to be a loyal friend until the end. I would help you “bury the body” kind of friend, but then I figured out that I don’t have to go down with their ship. I don’t have to be an alcoholic because they are. Continually choosing against our ideals can guarantee continually being disappointed. Stop salad baring your decisions, and start making decisions that bring you to your goals. Maybe the macaroni salad, although tasty isn’t the best choice.

Life is hard, with a multitude of choices and ways to live its hard to pick between cottage cheese and the potato salad. There will always be the temptation to fall off your path or to load your plate with things you want in the moment, but you may regret it later. Some items are easier to clean off than others, but even if you have a sticky mess, it is best to choose the path that gets you closer to that ideal salad plate. At the end of the day, it is what you put on your plate that will make up your meal.

 

The Art Of Compromise is Dead.

 

 

These are scary times we live in. Times, due to social media anyone can share misinformation at will, and we (collectively) are OK with it. When I was younger I believed people were inherently good, and sometimes did bad things. As I aged I have come to witness people being selfish, rude and downright diabolical, only doing good deeds as long as someone is watching. It seems that we are playing a massive game of do whatever it takes to win. One has to look no further than our political landscape to see this deceitful scheme in action. Scary times indeed, devoid of compassion, compromise, forgiveness, and truth.

I Hate discussing Politics. For one thing, I refuse to pigeon hole myself into any groups opinions, or positions, finding it impossible to completely agree with one of two parties entire platform. Despite my aversion to passion filled arguments, I sometimes trip and fall head first into the depths these discussions. The possibility of having a civil discussion is thrown out the window, along with compromise, as we sling pure shit at each other to get a point across that neither side will concede to or try to understand. It seems to me that both sides swing to a radical conclusion when an issue is brought up and end up closing off all talks about it. For example, stronger gun control does not equal storming your house and seizing your guns. Are we basing our convictions about the other sides position on an irrational fear instilled from the other side.? Just because, a president is against abortion doesn’t mean he plans to abolish it, get a grip.

More often than not political conversations lead to complete ridiculousness. The president hates Women, because of an off hand comment made 13 years ago at a party. or, the democrats are communists, insert absurd reason here.  Exchanging miss- captioned memes or some other post on social media containing a sliver of truth, blown out of proportion and context, with the intention to prove how evil the other side is.

All this blaming and name calling is reminiscent of 6th graders at recess, it is downright immature and I fear it will lead to more extreme measures. As the rhetoric increases and both sides become desperate for votes and approval, without having to stand on the issues alone, will we see more lies and scandals? Will the public be squeezed between false accusations and petty inferences in order to gain power and notoriety? These so called professional adults are acting out like, little kids who behave poorly when they are not getting enough attention. The megaphone just keeps getting louder until the art of compromise, is completely lost to a media circus of miss- information.

One side blames the other for cheap political tricks and pettiness. The truth is both sides are equally guilty of the same thing, wagging their pointy fingers at the other side when they themselves have committed the same supposed crime.  How long did it take republicans to accept the fact that Obama is an United States citizen? (That whole thing was just ridiculous) How many are still protesting the election of our current president? The nit picking of sentences, often times taken out of context, has reached a level of complete misinformation, and gossip reflecting the intellectual capacity of 13 year old girls.  Personally ,I could care less if Bill Clinton smoked Pot in college, or had sex with interns. Please, insert any other out of context, cheap shot that proves that the candidate is human, here.  Both are guilty of the same non-sense Period.

None of these smear campaigns are new, it seems to be the way we operate. Instead of actually addressing the issues and what they stand for, political commercials are based on why the other candidate is evil, complete with black and white footage and bold red lettering to hit the point home. I would love to Impose a ban on all smear campaigns and let candidates stand on their own for once, but I digress. What has came to light recently, that is truly heartbreaking to truth seekers, and is beyond smear campaigns. Currently we had the Kavanaugh debacle. People, handing out shame filled hate  about electing a supreme court justice that was accused of rape, rightfully so. However many derogatory comments, and friends lost over  the ordeal, it turns out, two of the accusers admitted to lying.  Although one of the accusers states she was forced into her confession, making finding the truth more confusing than ever. I can’t even discern what to believe anymore. We have gone far beyond smear campaigns into outright Deceit. Makes you wonder if you can believe anything. How low are we willing to go in order to gain power. What other lies have we been told, that we don’t know about?

Politics is supposed to be the art of compromise, not the art of demonizing your opponent to obtain votes. Not the art of cheating, fake votes, lies, fear mongering, and smear campaigns.  Politics should be about presenting a problem and discussing the solutions of varying opinions to come up with a result that is satisfactory to all parties involved. It appears that this is no longer the case. It appears as if we have all channeled our inner child and decided we want the cake and we want to eat it too. We have began living in a system where nobody wins, and it is currently filled with lies, false flag operations, cheating and hate. Today’s politicians seem to be out for themselves, despite what the people want. Manipulating and swaying public opinion to suit their needs ,and take away the informed choice of the people.

I have officially lost faith in the government and said institutions. How can the people have a voice when, the media speaks for them? How can the people have a voice, when the government is running false flag operations, and taking away the peoples ability to make a choice based on truth. I am not one for conspiracy theories, but perhaps there is something to them? Perhaps its time to take the tin foil hat out of the closet. When it becomes so obvious that we are being lied to, I cant help but wonder if the whole thing is a sham.  If the whole point is to divide the people, among themselves. For we have no power when we are Waring  against each other.

The art of compromise is dead when it comes to politics.

We the people have more power than any politician will have you believe. If we can stop needlessly fighting each other and come together, If we can infuse a little bit of love, compassion and understanding into how we treat each other, If we could just stop attacking each other for our beliefs and start respecting our differences, than maybe real positive change could be possible. We the people must demand  honesty from our government and the people who represent us, and each other. We need to demand hate, lies and deceitful political tactics end, instead of feeding into the obvious plot to divide us. If we could understand that it is our differences that make us strong, just maybe we can bring to life the art of compromise.

 

You may say I’m a dreamer, But I’m not the only one – John Lennon

Poof He’s Gone

The sunlight is shining, through the smudged window on to his face, accentuating all the wrinkles that life has given him. All of his smiles, all his worry, all of life’s memories laid out like a map on his paper thin face.

He gasps for air, as if he has never breathed before, Things I take for granted. His brow is wet with perspiration.

I know, he is dying. He is not ready or willing, but it is happening.

I dab his face with a cold damp cloth. I am missing my thanksgiving dinner. I am missing the people who love me, because I am the only one he has.

I hold his clammy hand. Whisper to him, things I don’t know, I tell him that he has been enough, reassure him that the people who aren’t there love him. Even the worst of us deserve compassion.

The sun sets deeper, beams of orange light fall on his blanket, shadows cast across the wall. He is in pain.

I can’t help him. I have no pain medication to give him. The family forbids it, all the while they enjoy their turkey dinner. I hold his hand. I tell him he is enough. I tell him he is loved.  I watch his struggle for every breath. It is close.

His winkled face relaxes, and poof hes gone, it is over. His soul is gone. I know it, I am now the only one in the room. He is gone.

I could go home and love my family. but I prefer to be alone.

 

 

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One Day

And one day she woke up. She was sick of dreaming. So she started living.

Alive

Theres so much Beauty in the pain and uncertainty of life.

We are often too focused on it at the time to see it.

But step back for a moment and you’ll see it, the sliver of Glorious bruises that make you.

Enjoy the painful moments because they are what make you feel alive.

Perceived self

All we are is how we are perceived to be.  How can we know we are not just the product of societal perception , and desire?

Is our whole being just a by product of what we are advertised to supposed to be. Are we all just acting out, the decrement and projections of the outer world.

Maybe the only people who know the answer to this are the ones who live on the edge. Who refuse to conform, the ones we call crazy.

The Letting go Let down

My life has been comprised of a million distractions.

Remove them.

Distractions peel away at your soul.

No one Lives forever. Let it go.

I know you can, Let the hurt, the emptiness wash through you. Allow yourself to be content with the memories, and lessons. and let it Go.

You are not  your distractions, when you let them go you find your real self. It is only then you see all the ways you compromised your truth.

The only way to find yourself is to remove all the distractions telling you who you are.

Be alone and embrace the let down of letting go.

 

 

 

There I Said It.

I Am unable to have children. <sigh> There I said it. I feel better now. Well not really.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my fate, destiny…whatever. Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been asked to accept in my life. I say “accept” because that is exactly what I must do. If I fail to accept it, it will consume me, and I will become bitter and resentful, a person I actively choose not to be.

I can’t begin to put to words to the types of feelings and thoughts a young woman goes through when she finds out. It is a lonely place, and somedays it is impossible. There is no funeral, no outpouring of support, and no one bakes you a lasagna. Though I feel incredibly alone, I know I am not. Doesn’t help. Doesn’t make me want it less.

I have yet to share my feelings about my defective innards with anyone. I don’t like pity, sympathy, and other such ridiculous cliche’ spectacles. I don’t like it when people look at me like I’m broken, or they think because I told them they have to fix me.  I realize I have a problem accepting help and sympathy, I have a problem crying in front of people, and sharing my feelings. I am a work in progress. Whatever my emotional maturity level is, I know I need to let go, to keep moving forward.

I wanted to have children since I was a child myself. In fact when asked how many, my answer was 12. I loved the idea of a big family. I had dreams of rocking and singing my baby to sleep.  Proudly watching my babies eyes light up when he/she took their first step. Taking pictures of beaming little faces on the first day of school. My husband patiently helping them with their math homework. Kissing scrapped knees and hurt feelings. Boisterous family dinners filled with giggles and silly conversations. Nature hikes, family vacations, and soccer games. I dreamed of teaching them about life and love. I dreamed of recreating my fondest childhood memories with them. Building huge couch forts, Helping them through their first heartbreak, prom, graduation, marriage, and grand kids. Having something I can hold up to the world and say “I MADE THIS! and It is AMAZING!” I dreamed of experiencing that magical thing called un-conditional love. All of these things and more, will never come to fruition for me. When I am ready to leave this world, I will not be surrounded by the family I have built, I will most likely be alone.

As much as I try to, plaster a smile on my face there are constant daily reminders, of my unfulfilled aspirations. Although I realize these statements and suggestions are always given with the best intentions, I still need to vent the frustration that I feel behind them. Perhaps there are others out there who may relate, and in no way is this meant to thwart the good intentions of others, it is only my personal take.

” I have this friend who couldn’t get pregnant for X years then all of a sudden she did, so you never know.” For one, I am not your friend and your words offer very little comfort, in fact It seems like a one-up statement. Sharing your friends happy ending  just makes me want to slap the <insert expletive here> out of you.

“Why don’t you see a doctor, or try in vitro, lots of people who couldn’t have babies had success with it.” Right, all those medical treatments and the like are not guaranteed and cost tens of thousands of dollars I don’t have. So thanks, but seriously like I haven’t thought of that?!!

“You could always adopt” Your right I could, Not the same, but thanks, and by the way you have know idea the situation I am in, or how my other half is dealing or not dealing with this. Again I am aware of my options, and honestly I am not at that decision making point yet. I also don’t think I am ready for endless wait, and possible heartbreak when it doesn’t work out.

My real answer to all of these polite suggestions is the same “Yeah Maybe” as I bite my lower lip in order to hold back the frustration, in my voice.

“Do you have any kids? “Your getting old you should pop out some kids soon!” “Do you want kids?” All of these statements, even though they seem harmless are like knives to my empty womb every time I hear them. My general answer is some vague, yet cheery “Not yet”, or “still working on it.” I don’t feel the need to elaborate further, mostly because I don’t want to see your pity face, hear your solutions (see above) or answer your questions. Honestly the more you wish to talk about my barren belly the faster I want to get away from you.

“Bet your glad you don’t have kids”, ” You do not  know how lucky you are.” or any statement to that effect.  You don’t know how lucky you are to have them. Please continue  to tell me about my luck of having my dreams and goals shattered. Please continue to tell me how awesome it is, to be incapable of creating another human. Share with me how lucky I am to never  feel that unconditional love. Yeah Buddy, the gods have blessed me for sure. I usually respond with a small laugh, eye roll combination followed with a sarcastic “yeah”.

Just know that every baby shower I go to, I am reminded of what will never manifest in my life. Every time I see your baby photos on Facebook  I am imagineing a future that doesn’t exist. Just know that when you proudly talk about child’s accomplishments, I will be unable to contribute to the conversation. Please know that I don’t want to be this way, but I am. I am truly happy for you and your genius child, they are incredibly cute. But sometimes, it is just a reminder. It still hurts. I haven’t healed yet. Honestly, there will always be a place in my heart for the child that never was.

It takes a lot not to think about it every time I see a commercial, a family at the zoo, a new children’s movie, or simply walk past the baby section at Target. At first I just ignored it, then I cried about it, I blamed God. I found distractions, the gym, friends, work….whatever I could just to fill the gap. Now I know none of these distractions will help me face this, with every end to a distraction I desprratly seek to find another, only to repeat the messy process, over and over.

Perhaps like any other grieving processes it just takes time. I no longer blame God. I still cry. I am still searching for a new distraction. Right now, I find myself in a hard place. I really don’t know when I will feel ok. My whole life I assumed I was meant to get married and have babies, end. But now I need to find a new purpose. I don’t think I can be happy if I don’t.  Perhaps I can travel the world, climb mountains, and  explore the beauty behind my front door, and my past aspirations. I only need to take that step, leave my self pity behind me and keep moving forward.