Thoughts Inside a Tanning Bed

I enter the tanning room……

Whoa! That Tanning bed is Ginormous! Seriously it is like the size of a shipping crate. Please tell me what person is the size of an ocean liner?

Starts to undress….

Dang its cold in here! One would think if people are getting naked up in here, they would turn up the heat.

I Strip down to my birthday suit, and open worlds smallest packet of tanning lotion for $5.

There is no way this is going to cover my whole body! 

I rip open tiny package with my teeth, loose a dollop to the floor.

Seriously?! That was like $2.50?!@!#

I consider using fallen lotion….decide it would only lead to some incurable skin condition, and leave the lonely dollop on the floor. Rub remaining lotion on my skin.

Awesome I smell like a stripper….This must be what they use hehe.

Notices footsteps outside door. 

Did those footsteps just stop outside my door?  what is he doing out there… Oh hell I hope he doesn’t come in.  Did I lock the door? not sure it matters these doors are a little flimsy any way, I am sure if Mr. footstep wanted to get in he would have no trouble. Is he just standing out there?  Why doesn’t he move?

<coughs> <clears throat> in hopes that stranger will know I am in here, get scared and run away. lay down on the cold bed, afraid to press my goose pimpled flesh onto the icy glass.

Must find distraction until this rocket takes off.

Finding good song on i-pod

Did, I really download all of these?


Note to self: create playlist of songs you actually want to hear. I wonder if anyone else gets sick of their music? Why don’t you just pick what song you want to hear so you can stop flipping?


Fine! No more skipping next song is staying on no matter what it is!  Ugh Brittney Spears… <Skip> surly I downloaded that as a joke!?

<Skip…Skip> Tanning bed finally Fires Up 

Whoa! this thing is loud.  teeeheee its like I’m inside a rocket ship. BLAST OFF!! So that’s what the goggles are for! damn its bright in here? Body looks so cool in neon! I wish I could be in neon all the time. That would be weird though. What if I was the only one with a neon body. People would see me and be all like ” Is she from the future?” And of course I would respond. “YES!”


  Wait……. are all of my body parts getting hit with this thing? I hope there isn’t some crazy skin roll in my back, because then I’ll have some weird stripe, and people will call me  crazy zebra lady.  Maybe I could get a spot on National Geographic channel like that lizard guy? What about my butt crease?  Am I down far enough?    Stop thinking about it, just relax…shhh shh shhhhhh.


Adjusts back, legs, neck and whole body….

I’m feeling so fly like a cheese stick, like a cheese sick…that cant be what they saying. Cheese sticks  are good and all, but I never equated them with feeling fly. Mental note: look up song lyrics when I get home.

What if the glass I am laying on collapses, and my naked body falls on shards of hot light bulbs, would I die instantly? or would  I have to pull my bloodied body out? I would then become hysterical and run out of the room. I’d be screaming, naked, and running around the hallways frantically searching for help. They’d have to call 911 because I would be burnt, bloody and super dramatic about it. I would make the incident look like a scene from a gore filled horror flick. Wiping handfuls of blood all over the walls…. On second thought, that would be awkward, and maaybeeee… a little too much.  I most likely would pull myself from the wreckage and slide my clothes on over the glass shards, calmly, approach the counter and explain what happened. “Excuse me mam, I believe your tanning bed is broken, as evidenced by my blistering and bloody glass filled body.” She would be all horrified, and I would then demand a refund, at least!  Did something just shift beneath me, did I just hear glass crack? 316260

Turns off music inspects tanning bed. lays back down sighing in relief.

That girl I saw, the other day, looks like she spent so much time on her appearance, I’ll bet she farts glitter. If a person really did fart glitter, would they need to wear some kind of filter type underwear, like cheese cloth or something?  Seriously where would all the glitter go?  It would probably all accumulate in your pants until you took them off, then there would be a huge glitter pile on your bedroom floor. That would be hard to get rid of, you’d have to vacuum the glitter spot for weeks, nay decades and there would still be glitter! Seriously that stuff never goes away!  If I farted glitter I would sport ass-less chaps, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about dealing with mass amounts of glitter in my panties. I could also spread the glitter love, a little puff here, a little puff there, MAGICAL! No robbing banks after eating taco bell though, because it would leave a trail of glitter for the cops to follow….BUSTED!


Cuz you make me feeeel like……. I’ve beeen locked in a heaaad lock, for too loooonnng.

hehehe Shark Nado! hehehe. That was a terrible movie!  Ill bet they make a sequel. They always make a sequel, wonder if the sequel will be just as bad….or worse?  Maybe it won’t be about sharks but centipedes. I’m Pretty sure if a centipede tornado came I would drop dead from fear! those things are freaky fast, and all the legs…soft bodies…running around on my skin…AHHHHH!


I jump up and itch my whole body checking the floor and tanning bed for centipedes.

What is wrong with me?!  I must be the weirdest person alive. I’ll probably end up in a nut house at some point in my life. That really wouldn’t be so bad though? I could play bridge with all the other crazies all day long. I’ll bet half of them are not crazy, they are just so brilliant that people think they are crazy. I’ll bet one of them is a time traveler, he’d be interesting to talk to.

Am I burning? feels like I’m burning? its pretty hot in here….. I wonder if tanning beds ever start on fire? That’s silly Shelly you would know if it was on fire, Right?  What if my tanning bed IS on fire? and I can’t feel it because its hot in here, and I don’t notice the flame because it’s so bright? If it did start on fire do you think it would spontaneously combust, and any chance for escape, would be futile? Or would I realize I was burning and have time to remove myself from the tanning bed and roll around on the ground.  Would I STOP-DROP and ROLL? I have seen a few shows on television where people were on fire and I felt the need to scream at the T.V.  They would run around flailing their arms, in a panic, making the fire grow larger. I really feel like the whole STOP DROP and ROLL thing was a big part of passing kindergarten. Maybe when your on fire you lose all your senses and forget?


Gets up to make sure tanning bed is not on fire, just in case.

I feel like I’ve been in this thing forever. how many minutes left… I wish I could just sleep in these things like normal people do.

Tanning bed shuts off.

To Bump or not to Bump

To Bump or not to Bump that is the question..

The fist bump conundrum is sweeping the globe. From the creation of the fist bump to present times. Many people are still confused and unsure of proper fist bump etiquette. What or rather when is the suitable time for a wicked fist bump?  How does one react when one person wants to bump, and you want to shake, or hive-five?

The “First Bump”

Lets start with the origin of the fist bump, someone had to start the madness, right? The fist bump, also referred to The Pound, Knuckle Blaster, Bro Fist, Fo’ Knuckles, or a  Knuckle touch, is a gesture when two participants form closed fists and lightly touch knuckles, (that really makes it sound Bad Ass doesn’t it?) The known first fist bump on record is a little “shaky”. According to some it can be traced back to the 1800s as the “Boxers first hand shake”. There is also a cited instance where NBA player Fred Carter of the Baltimore Bullets in the 1970s preformed a fist bump with another player. Despite all the controversy around the first fist, I like to believe the true origins came from the 1970s Hanna-Barrera cartoon classic “Super Friends” where the superheros would fist bump and say in unison “Wonder Twin Powers Activate!”

Again, pretty Bad Ass right?

However the fist bump started one thing is for certain, it is here to stay.

The collision of the bump vs. shake

You know that awkward moment, when you are going in for the bump and the other guy assumes the high five position. This soon can get out of “hand” (pun totally intended) in which a few scenarios are likely. One development that is very likely to take place is the legendary awkward  fist conversion confusion. This is  when both partakers chose to convert, and the game continues until someone recognizes the situation and verbally points out the unpleasant predicament or goes with it, and a flump occurs. Another possible outcome could be running into “that guy” you know the one who senses the impending fist bump confusion on the horizon. He improvises, and what you end up with is some one armed shoulder hug, with a gentle fist bump to the spine type thingy. No one is entirely sure what just happened, and after an interaction like that you are a little nervous for the next time the two of you intermingle. Last but not at all least is the notorious stand off, where neither party wants to convert. this will always end in a flump or worse, an end of all friendly gestures with the individual, until dominance is re-established.  This is usually accomplished thru the ritual of swapping sports knowledge until one of the participants backs down. In this heated discussion a mediator is usually present. Please note this situation will not apply to girls.

Bump etiquette:

1. Bumping is acceptable, at all sporting events sans NASCAR.

2. Bumping is not allowed when meeting a person for the first time, nor is it appropriate for business transactions, (please note above photo of awkwardness) a traditional hand shake is recommended.

3. Bumping is NEVER proper at a funeral or in the hospital, I really can’t think of any scenario where a high five would be appropriate here either. It is highly suggested you stick with the shake.

4. When wearing a suit or business attire, a fist bump is only acceptable when drunk, or when parts of your suit or clothing is tied around parts of your body, most commonly your head.

5. When inebriated fist bumps are always preferred to any other greeting. Mostly because high-fives require hand eye coordination that may not be available to you at that time.

Even knowing and applying the rules of fist bumping it is still inevitable that you will run into that unsavory situation when you have to make a conversion decision. Might I suggest you hold strong to the bump, for one it is much easier to convert an open hand to a fist, (perhaps it just feels like that because you  are the one with the fist and therefore no conversion is required on your behalf). By backing down and converting you risk appearing passive, allowing the other person to dictate the greeting. If you change course and convert to the open palm, you risk the other person converting to the fist, and thus the confusion begins anew. Of course this is all mute if you are the one with the open hand. So in conclusion whatever gesture you deem appropriate, hold strong fist or open hand. Show the other person who can greet like a boss. Don’t back down, it is you who decides your  friendly gesture fate, and will not be pushed around. Just make sure you’re a girl, or you know more than your buddy about sports.