Sarcasm

Thoughts Inside a Tanning Bed

I enter the tanning room……

Whoa! That Tanning bed is Ginormous! Seriously it is like the size of a shipping crate. Please tell me what person is the size of an ocean liner?

Starts to undress….

Dang its cold in here! One would think if people are getting naked up in here, they would turn up the heat.

I Strip down to my birthday suit, and open worlds smallest packet of tanning lotion for $5.

There is no way this is going to cover my whole body! 

I rip open tiny package with my teeth, loose a dollop to the floor.

Seriously?! That was like $2.50?!@!#

I consider using fallen lotion….decide it would only lead to some incurable skin condition, and leave the lonely dollop on the floor. Rub remaining lotion on my skin.

Awesome I smell like a stripper….This must be what they use hehe.

Notices footsteps outside door. 

Did those footsteps just stop outside my door?  what is he doing out there… Oh hell I hope he doesn’t come in.  Did I lock the door? not sure it matters these doors are a little flimsy any way, I am sure if Mr. footstep wanted to get in he would have no trouble. Is he just standing out there?  Why doesn’t he move?

<coughs> <clears throat> in hopes that stranger will know I am in here, get scared and run away. lay down on the cold bed, afraid to press my goose pimpled flesh onto the icy glass.

Must find distraction until this rocket takes off.

Finding good song on i-pod

Did, I really download all of these?

<Skip…Skip…Skip..>

Note to self: create playlist of songs you actually want to hear. I wonder if anyone else gets sick of their music? Why don’t you just pick what song you want to hear so you can stop flipping?

 <Skip…Skip..>

Fine! No more skipping next song is staying on no matter what it is!  Ugh Brittney Spears… <Skip> surly I downloaded that as a joke!?

<Skip…Skip> Tanning bed finally Fires Up 

Whoa! this thing is loud.  teeeheee its like I’m inside a rocket ship. BLAST OFF!! So that’s what the goggles are for! damn its bright in here? Body looks so cool in neon! I wish I could be in neon all the time. That would be weird though. What if I was the only one with a neon body. People would see me and be all like ” Is she from the future?” And of course I would respond. “YES!”

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  Wait……. are all of my body parts getting hit with this thing? I hope there isn’t some crazy skin roll in my back, because then I’ll have some weird stripe, and people will call me  crazy zebra lady.  Maybe I could get a spot on National Geographic channel like that lizard guy? What about my butt crease?  Am I down far enough?    Stop thinking about it, just relax…shhh shh shhhhhh.

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Adjusts back, legs, neck and whole body….

I’m feeling so fly like a cheese stick, like a cheese sick…that cant be what they saying. Cheese sticks  are good and all, but I never equated them with feeling fly. Mental note: look up song lyrics when I get home.

What if the glass I am laying on collapses, and my naked body falls on shards of hot light bulbs, would I die instantly? or would  I have to pull my bloodied body out? I would then become hysterical and run out of the room. I’d be screaming, naked, and running around the hallways frantically searching for help. They’d have to call 911 because I would be burnt, bloody and super dramatic about it. I would make the incident look like a scene from a gore filled horror flick. Wiping handfuls of blood all over the walls…. On second thought, that would be awkward, and maaybeeee… a little too much.  I most likely would pull myself from the wreckage and slide my clothes on over the glass shards, calmly, approach the counter and explain what happened. “Excuse me mam, I believe your tanning bed is broken, as evidenced by my blistering and bloody glass filled body.” She would be all horrified, and I would then demand a refund, at least!  Did something just shift beneath me, did I just hear glass crack? 316260

Turns off music inspects tanning bed. lays back down sighing in relief.

That girl I saw, the other day, looks like she spent so much time on her appearance, I’ll bet she farts glitter. If a person really did fart glitter, would they need to wear some kind of filter type underwear, like cheese cloth or something?  Seriously where would all the glitter go?  It would probably all accumulate in your pants until you took them off, then there would be a huge glitter pile on your bedroom floor. That would be hard to get rid of, you’d have to vacuum the glitter spot for weeks, nay decades and there would still be glitter! Seriously that stuff never goes away!  If I farted glitter I would sport ass-less chaps, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about dealing with mass amounts of glitter in my panties. I could also spread the glitter love, a little puff here, a little puff there, MAGICAL! No robbing banks after eating taco bell though, because it would leave a trail of glitter for the cops to follow….BUSTED!

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Cuz you make me feeeel like……. I’ve beeen locked in a heaaad lock, for too loooonnng.

hehehe Shark Nado! hehehe. That was a terrible movie!  Ill bet they make a sequel. They always make a sequel, wonder if the sequel will be just as bad….or worse?  Maybe it won’t be about sharks but centipedes. I’m Pretty sure if a centipede tornado came I would drop dead from fear! those things are freaky fast, and all the legs…soft bodies…running around on my skin…AHHHHH!

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I jump up and itch my whole body checking the floor and tanning bed for centipedes.

What is wrong with me?!  I must be the weirdest person alive. I’ll probably end up in a nut house at some point in my life. That really wouldn’t be so bad though? I could play bridge with all the other crazies all day long. I’ll bet half of them are not crazy, they are just so brilliant that people think they are crazy. I’ll bet one of them is a time traveler, he’d be interesting to talk to.

Am I burning? feels like I’m burning? its pretty hot in here….. I wonder if tanning beds ever start on fire? That’s silly Shelly you would know if it was on fire, Right?  What if my tanning bed IS on fire? and I can’t feel it because its hot in here, and I don’t notice the flame because it’s so bright? If it did start on fire do you think it would spontaneously combust, and any chance for escape, would be futile? Or would I realize I was burning and have time to remove myself from the tanning bed and roll around on the ground.  Would I STOP-DROP and ROLL? I have seen a few shows on television where people were on fire and I felt the need to scream at the T.V.  They would run around flailing their arms, in a panic, making the fire grow larger. I really feel like the whole STOP DROP and ROLL thing was a big part of passing kindergarten. Maybe when your on fire you lose all your senses and forget?

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Gets up to make sure tanning bed is not on fire, just in case.

I feel like I’ve been in this thing forever. how many minutes left… I wish I could just sleep in these things like normal people do.

Tanning bed shuts off.

What Do You Like To Do?

What do you like to do in your spare time?

This question can bring a wave of uncomfortable panic into a persons soul. It’s not really all that straightforward is it? There is a lot to contemplate about your answer.

A majority of people respond with what I like to call basic likes or hobbies such as “I like to listen to music, read, and spend time with my friends.” No one ever answers this question honestly. A truly honest answer, might be, “I like to drink in excess, lay around and watch TV, and eat fried foods.”  A person can’t say those things, least they be judged as a fat lazy alcoholic. So this is where the panic sets in…in your mind your thinking, well I don’t know I just kind of go to work, come home, watch TV and sleep. I don’t really have any hobbies. I cant say that though, people will find me uninteresting. So this is where you quickly analyze your options.

You could always go with reading. I think a lot of people always throw this one in because it makes them sound smart, but if you ask them what the last book they read is, you will get one of two things. Either they will say To Kill A Mocking Bird, or some other book they had to read in high-school or college, and if they say this, then you know they are full of it and just really want you to think they are smart or impress you in some way. Or you might get the Fifty Shades of Grey answer which entails some other currently popular book, which means they like to read but are not necessarily well read.

Listening to music is a popular choice. Which is kind of a bull s*** one because really who doesn’t like to listen to music? I think that’s why its a popular choice, the hope here is that the other person will think  “Hey I like music too! how about that!” Then BAM! instant friends right?- wrong, because the next question is always, “what kinda of music do you like?”  err :/ crap! what if I say a type of music they hate, like country or something, (country always seems to be one of those, that people either love it or they hate it) the best way I found out of this scenario is to tell them you like everything, except country of course.

Running, I love it when people say this one, Its not that its untrue necessarily because a lot of people do enjoy running, but I have a sneaking suspicion that some people say this just to sound athletic, (usually found on profile pages). Have you ever had someone tell you they enjoy running and you look at them and are like..yeah no you don’t.

The other problem with this kind of question is, if you say something such as I like to paint pictures or draw, you’d better be pretty amazing at it, because by saying you enjoy doing something it automatically puts you in the running for expert, in this instance you become a self proclaimed artist. The problem with this is if any opportunity arises for you to show off your skills, such as making a bubble letter poster, you automatically become the person responsible for the arty part. If your bubble letters suck ass people will say  “I thought you were an artist” then you’ll have to respond with, ” I said I like to draw, I didn’t say I was good at it?!” and that just makes things really awkward.

The thing is, with a question like what do you like to do?  a lot of judgements can be made depending on the answer. Most people will play it safe, and go with the basics, in order for that first awkward conversation to move along. But what if they say something crazy like I enjoy scaling 40ft. ice walls with a pick axe. Well, now you’re in trouble and you had better come back with something mind-blowing too, otherwise the rest of your conversation will hang on this interesting thing the other person likes to do, and your lack-thereof.

In all honesty, it really doesn’t matter what your likes and hobbies are, or what anyone thinks of them for that matter. The truth is always far more interesting then some contrived conformity, no matter what it is. If it is the truth about yourself that embarrasses you  you then perhaps you need to change yourself and not the answers. Be proud of who and what you are.

As an after thought: Just once in my life,  I would love to answer with something off the wall like “Me? well I like all kinds of things, I like to be a clown on the weekends, I enjoy organizing super-balls  by color and shape, Dressing up like waldo and hiding along the freeway, I also like to summit skyscrapers and enjoy yelling at old people. what do you like to do?

Someone Died Today.

Someone died today.

It’s no big deal or anything, lots of people die. I think the thing I wonder about is if they could come back, what would they say what advice would they have for us? I doubt it would be anything profound, Like “OMG!! We are all ONE and we must recycle, and by the way God is a black woman.”  I’d like to think it would be more mundane, such as “did I leave the stove on?” or “I wonder what Karl and Sue are up to tonight?”

I imagine they would not regret the risks they took (unless that’s why they are dead :/) they may have regretted not forming close relationships, with the ones they love.  Or not saying I love you enough to their spouse, kids..ext. I suppose whatever their issues are or were they will still there at the time of death. Are any of them happy, does anyone die and say “well I did my best, and lived my life with no regrets”?  I suspect that some do.

This topic is not new. I am certainly not the first to think of death in this way; however I don’t think it does us any harm either. We should not necessarily think of death, but rather think of life. Many times in our lives thoughts arise. Such as, are happy, did we do the right thing, how we’ve been hurt in the past, and how to plan for the future. I think all these thoughts and decisions can be better made when put in the perspective of death. Not in a gothic death is cool way, but in a practical, does this really matter in the end way. I certainly know when I die the last thing I’m going to think about is the expensive car I owned, or whether my mother in law accepted me. I could go on about the mundane things that ramble throughout my head and cause me undue stress on a daily basis, but really it doesn’t matter.  Maybe reminding ourselves of our impending doom can change the way we think about our worries and thoughts.

When I die I think I’ll be more concerned with questions such as, did I live honorably, did I express my love and affection to those I care for, do they know how much they meant to me? Did I spend too much time keeping up with the latest T.V. dramas and not enough time exploring the world? Did I talk too much and not listen, enough? Did I live my life for myself, or did I give enough to others?  Am I happy with the way I conducted myself whilst alive, can I “die” with it?

When it’s my turn to meet my maker, I don’t want to wish I have lived differently. I met those people, you know the ones, they are demanding and selfish, they care only about their gain. They hurt others without a thought of remorse. They are the line skippers; they are the ones who yell at the 16 year old waitress, because their steak is over cooked. They have a sense of entitlement; they are the people who use the phrase “do you know who I am?” I’ve seen them perish and it is sad, because ultimately they die angry and alone, and the only person holding their hand is a stranger, usually a nurse that believes no one should die alone, even the assholes. Seems to me that it’s no way to live or die for that matter.

I guess to end this random thought, it might be best to use the cliche’ live as if you were dying,  but really do it, as if you were dying, not just like you read the quote somewhere and thought  we should all do this…. But what if we all did do that?  What If everyone in the world lived like they were dying!? Now you are looking at mass hysteria!  And for some reason if people think they are dying, they will steal electronics?! Which always gets me in movies? If I thought the world was ending or it was time for survival mode, I might take food and water, but seriously what are you going do with a TV? It’s like they are dying and think their remaining hours would be best spent watching dancing with the stars?  So maybe we shouldn’t live like we are dying. I guess we should all just Live, learn our lessons on the way, be proud of who we are and what we’ve accomplished, and when making a decision, always make sure you can live or rather, die with yourself.