The Planted Seed

All the things in this life, which make it a beautiful, are only realized when you break the skin of pride and watch God weave his Word into your soul.” -Abigail Knight

I had nothing.

I built my house on sand, the wind came and blew all the tiny particles I had “perfectly” placed and, scattered them. My house collapsed. My plans and purpose in life was only a reflection of the things not meant for me. I twisted and turned through decisions, and choices, always seeming to chose the wrong path. There was no rhyme or reason it any of it, so it seemed.

I had nothing, nothing to fall on, nothing to comfort me. People betrayed me, abandoned me, lied to me, and twisted my reality. I trusted no one, not even myself. All I was and All I ever had built was gone. All the seeds, I spread were rooted in rock, and picked away by the birds, So there I stood, with all my works and fruitless efforts bared before me. My pride had long hid the truth from me. I was destroying myself from the inside out, and now I finally broke skin.

Everyday I died in my circling thoughts. Depression, sadness, helplessness, and despair were the things that comforted me. They swallowed me and covered me with a weighted blanket of fear that I refused to let go of. I had long neglected to face, the things that broke me, I thought being strong meant, to ignore everything and push forward, I thought being strong meant to keep a smile on my face and not let anyone into the castle I had constructed, brick by brick, disappointment by disappointment. I had made a wall so large and strong, it kept everyone out, even God. And I thought I was strong for it.

There I laid on the floor of my self created chamber, realizing that my efforts couldn’t protect me from myself. Realizing that I had successfully locked myself in my own personal hell.

God has tried to reach me for a long time, but I just kept hanging up the phone and leaving him on read. He kept turning up the volume, of pain, screaming at me through His megaphone. until He became the only thing I could turn to. The only thing I had left. It amazes me to this very day that even though all the things God was right there, next to me.

I begged the greater powers of the world to help me. But I only got one answer. And Believe me it was not the answer I was looking for, so often it rarely is. This is only the beginning, the beginning of a long and trying process, of re-building me, for Him. The beginning of letting go of all the things. The beginning of learning to truly embrace life and live out His will. This journey is not easy, and every turn I take is a new obstacle. I will fall a lot but, He is always there to carry me.

At the time I just didn’t see Him, until I gave up. Until I let go of All the things. Until I decided it was time for him to “take the wheel” And take the wheel he did. The silly part of all of this, is I thought I knew what I needed. I kept telling God what He needed to do for me. It wasn’t until I had no plans of my own, and I shut my stubborn mouth, that he started speaking to me.

God allowed me to see. First I had to believe I had to believe in him. First I had to surrender and let go of every thread I was holding on to.

I was showed something so unexpected, something that shook me to the core. To this day, whenever doubts start to creep in, all I need to do is remember what God allowed me to see. The devil up close and personal. I saw hurt people hurting people. I saw the blacks of his lifeless eyes. I felt him in my space. I saw him in my cheap apartment. I saw him amongst the crowds of disillusioned people, searching for more, more money, more material things to make their existence mean something, more things to fill holes. I saw him in me, and my need to seek the glories of this world. Soon I was seeing the devil everywhere, to the point I couldn’t function from the fear. I knew then that he, Satan, was very real. It was at this time, when the little ball of light, from the a seed planted as a child, began to grow, and take root. If Satan is real, then so is GOD.

I was at work, the evil was swirling around me, it was palpable. I couldn’t concentrate, I was about to have a nervous breakdown. All the noise was closing in on me. I felt as if the walls were shrinking. I couldn’t breath or focus. Science will tell you It was a panic attack, and for all intents and purposes it was. I never had one before. I closed my eyes as tight as a child who feels threatened by the monster coming out of her closet. I squeezed my eyes to the point of tears, It was then I said my first “real” prayer.

“Jesus, please take this from me.”

At this time in my life, I wasn’t even sure God ever heard my cries. I wasn’t even sure he existed, I just needed something bigger than anything in this world to “save” me from my sight.

If my past has taught me anything, my prayers would not be answered, in general every time I prayed I believed this. This time was different, This time when the simple words fell off my trembling lips, “Jesus please take this from me” I had faith. I’d stared into the devils eyes, and I knew God was real.

Breathe, open eyes, Breathe, Peace. An all encompassing peace. A wave of peace. All the things, were gone. The Pain the fear, the guilt, the shame, the visions.. Gone. One small prayer, and the hauntings stopped. One mustard seed of faith, and I knew I was going to be ok.

In this mess of myself, I had known only one thing to be true. As I worked on sorting myself and re configuring the functioning pieces of me back together with tape and glue, I knew that there was indeed a God. Not only did He exist, but he was listening to this little piece of nothing that was me. With this Epic realization, I knew I could no longer hide myself from God. I knew right then and there everything would have to change.

In that moment I knew I had to face God. The God I had abandoned for so long. The God I questioned, The one I have beseeched, for the circumstances in my life. The God I ignored so I could continue to live out the poster on my wall that stated “Do what makes you happy.” The God I so quickly denied, so I could continue to live in the cognitive dissonance that, told me to live in the moment without consequence.

I had to face the honesty and humility of going back, back to God with my tail between my legs in utter shame. I also had to reconcile the fact that I needed to change. I needed to strip down all the inconsistencies, and mistruths, I had to literally let go of everything that was not solidly rooted in God. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know anything. In that moment I reached out, and grabbed Gods eagerly waiting and outstretched hand. He lifted my broken self off the floor, of my personal chamber and introduced me to Honesty and Humility.

I began to search in the dark nooks and crannies of my vast mind, tallying up all the things. I spent countless days and nights, sorting through the rubble of my life. All the hurts and pains. Disappointments and tragedy’s only to see honesty staring back at me. There she sat in the cob webbed corner of my mind. Her clothes were tattered and she looked neglected. I walked over and introduced my self. She was not happy with me.

She ruthlessly stripped away all the excuses, and masks I put on in various situations, and it hurt like hell, to see myself through honesty eyes. I had to look her square in the eye, and let her show me all the things. If I ever wanted to let go of that comfortably woven blanket of fear I knew I would have to face my biggest fear of all, and that was my naked fully flawed, no make-up, scars and all Self.

Honesty is a cruel to those who ignore her truths, she strips away all your lies. I had to look at my actions, and admit that they were selfish. I had to look at things I have said and done that came from a place of self serving. I had to admit my ability to hurt people, sometimes intentionally. I had to admit that I was not the good person I wanted everyone and myself to believe I was. I had to break down the lies I told myself. I had to let honesty do her work, and set me free.

I admitted my faults, I saw my true reflection, which was anything but the carefully constructed version, I put out to the world. I walked around daily in shame and guilt of what I was and who I had become, and I didn’t know it until that beautiful girl named honesty showed me.

After finding honesty, chained up in the corner of my mind, and having a frank, open and very difficult discussion with her one would think that this is where I began to heal. It isn’t.

When I looked at my everything, I had one conclusion. How could anyone ever love me. I certainly didn’t love myself. Especially after talking to my truth. I was a mess. I looked around and found the need to scrape the floor of the bits of me, laying around that had been peeled off by honesty. There I was. Just me. Un-special, flawed unlovable me.

Here is where I found Humility. There on the floor, laying amongst my shattered self, I found humility, staring at me with a pleading look only humility can give. I gave a side eyed glance at my humility, as I reluctantly embraced the so often kicked to the curb creature. I often pushed aside Humility so that I could continue to bedazzle the beautiful pride suit I allowed to clothe me. Humility grabbed my hand and said, “lets go for a walk.”

We walked hand in hand, down a path I never traveled. Humility showed me many things. I taught me how to embrace my flaws. He showed me that it was ok to be wrong, hurt, and broken. He showed me how to accept the pieces of me that didn’t have the required flair for a glamorous life. I finally learned acceptance.

It wasn’t until I had my visits with Faith, Honesty, and humility, that I found myself searching for the instruction manual for people wanting to live a fulfilling and meaningful life for dummies….

It took a year, a year of grappling with all my questions and myself. It took one year, and one special guest star to open my eyes.

The first thing she said to me upon meeting her was.. “ do you believe in Jesus?” I had no idea who she was, she was a person I was meant to train, at work, I said “I do. But I don’t know him very well.”

She said “do you want to come to our bible study?”

“Yes, I very much do.”

So I went about the business of buying a bible.

When I opened it Id like to say, that beams of light emitted from the pages. They did not I’d like to say that I found clarity, I did not. Id like to say I flipped to a page and all my things were made perfect. They were not. I learned that I had to actually read it. Dedicate myself to it. I had to do something I always needed to do. I need to Listen. Listen to God speak.

I thought I was doing good… but as I dived into my Manuel for life, my true anchor. I found… I was in for a long long journey. A journey that never ends. A journey where the goal is never perfection, but always striving.

Welcome to my journey, and please join me with your thoughts, and findings. As we seek for His truth daily, through His Word.

John1:1 -In the Beginning was the Word, and the word was with God, and the Word was God.

All it takes is a seed, and a willingness to let it grow.